Couples Counselling
Offered in Person and Virtually
Improving Relationships Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Relationships thrive on emotional connection, safety, and responsiveness. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a research-backed approach that helps couples build and strengthen these essential bonds. Grounded in attachment theory, EFT guides partners to recognize and transform negative interaction patterns, leading to deeper emotional intimacy and secure, lasting relationships. This article explores the core principles of EFT and how couples can apply them to improve their emotional connection.
Understanding Negative Cycles
EFT emphasizes that most relationship distress arises not from specific issues, but from recurring negative interaction cycles that leave partners feeling unheard, unloved, or alone. These patterns often involve one partner pursuing closeness while the other withdraws for self-protection, leading to misunderstandings and emotional disconnection.
Application Tip: Begin identifying recurring arguments or emotional patterns in your relationship. Try to understand the underlying emotions—such as fear, sadness, or longing—that drive these behaviors, rather than focusing solely on the surface content of disagreements.
Accessing Underlying Emotions
A key aspect of EFT is helping individuals access and express their deeper, more vulnerable emotions—often hidden beneath anger, blame, or silence. Sharing these emotions helps partners better understand each other’s needs and fears, creating opportunities for compassion and closeness.
Application Tip: Practice expressing your emotions with “soft starts.” For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel alone when I don’t feel heard, and I really want to feel close to you.”
Creating a Safe Emotional Bond
EFT works to restore a sense of emotional safety and trust between partners. When couples feel secure in their relationship, they’re more willing to be open, vulnerable, and supportive. This secure attachment is the foundation for healthy connection and resilience during conflict.
Application Tip: Focus on being emotionally available and responsive to your partner, especially during moments of stress or vulnerability. Small acts of reassurance, comfort, or validation can build lasting trust.
Recognizing Attachment Needs
EFT helps couples understand that the need for connection is not a weakness but a fundamental human experience. Arguments often reflect unspoken attachment needs—such as the need to feel valued, supported, or accepted—rather than selfishness or fault.
Application Tip: In moments of tension, ask yourself: “What am I really needing from my partner right now?” and “What might they be needing from me?” This reflection can shift the conversation from blame to connection.
Restructuring Interactions
Once couples understand their negative patterns and underlying emotions, EFT helps them restructure their interactions into more positive, bonding moments. This involves replacing reactivity with empathy, criticism with compassion, and distance with closeness.
Application Tip: When tensions rise, pause and try to respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you help me understand what you’re feeling right now?” to foster emotional presence.
Fostering Secure Attachment
At the heart of EFT is the goal of fostering secure attachment—a deep sense that your partner is emotionally present, responsive, and engaged. Securely attached couples handle conflict more effectively, recover from disconnection more quickly, and experience greater overall satisfaction.
Application Tip: Create intentional rituals of connection—such as regular check-ins, affectionate gestures, or shared quiet time—to reinforce your emotional bond and remind each other that you’re a safe haven.
Repairing Emotional Injuries
EFT provides tools to help couples address past emotional injuries that may have caused lingering pain or mistrust. By revisiting these moments in a safe, supportive space, couples can find healing through empathy, validation, and renewed commitment.
Application Tip: If an unresolved hurt is affecting your relationship, choose a calm moment to revisit the experience together. Focus on how it made you feel and what you need from each other to move forward.
Creating Lasting Change
EFT is not just about resolving conflict—it’s about creating new patterns of interaction rooted in emotional responsiveness and connection. Couples leave therapy with a deeper understanding of each other and tools to navigate future challenges with empathy and unity.
Application Tip: Keep practicing new ways of connecting, even after progress is made. Continued growth happens through ongoing conversations, intentional effort, and mutual emotional support.
Conclusion
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy offers a powerful, evidence-based path to deeper intimacy and connection. By understanding negative cycles, expressing vulnerable emotions, and fostering secure emotional bonds, couples can break through disconnection and build a relationship rooted in safety, empathy, and love. Whether facing a crisis or simply wanting to grow closer, EFT provides tools that empower couples to reconnect and thrive—together.